crshoveride1
06-17-2004, 10:33 PM
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. You all know
>about
>the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honour given to the person who did
>the
>gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most
>extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who
>was killed
>by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was
>attempting to
>tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year in reverse
>order are:
>
> 9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
>cheaply,
>because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline
>with milk.
>Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into
>the
>fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
>house
>down, killing both him and his sister.
>
> 8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his
>home died of
>suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall
>and
>weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black
>and
>white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
>trying to
>create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military
>gas mask
>that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in
>its
>place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a
>hollow tube
>approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was
>inserted into
>his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his
>suffocation.
> Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his
>death to his
>family very awkward.
>
> 7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
>altitude
>when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
>the
>occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft
>and
>crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
>around
>their ankles.
>
> 6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no
>details
>before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father
>was not
>breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the
>couch
>naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start
>CPR, she
>noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived
>and
>removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital -
>the
>police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the
>man had
>made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they
>discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a
>habit of
>putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and
>between two
>electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious
>reasons).
> According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted
>out one of
>the sanders, electrocuting him.
> >
> 5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a
>highway near
>Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger
>and
>killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
>qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
>driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring,
>which had
>started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt
>to press
>the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost
>her own.
>
> 4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead
>after he
>tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad
>trestle.
> Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped
>a bunch
>of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored
>the
>other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
>pavement.
>Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think
>Barcia was
>alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that
>he had
>assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
>ground"
>Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major
>trauma."
>
> 3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he
>and a
>friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
>ball.
> The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
>hospitalised.
>
> 2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed
>the smell
>of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building
>extinguishing all
>potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
>building had
>been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
>dispatched. Upon
>entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
>the
>dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses
>later
>described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his
>pocket and
>retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon
>operation of
>the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending
>pieces
>of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians,
>but the
>lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
>suspected
>of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his
>peers.
>
>
> AND THE WINNER.....
>
> 1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
>Sanchez
>tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf
>course.
> Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,
>Sanchez
>managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the
>machine.
>Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning
>the crank
>on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them
>solidly in
>the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of
>pain,
>collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
>
> Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more
>than a
>foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal
>stance, and
>the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open
>during
>the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained
>in the
>ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened
>as it was
>pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery
>inside.
>To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he
>had just
>purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself.
>Sanchez was
>rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were
>asked
>to leave the course.
>about
>the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honour given to the person who did
>the
>gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most
>extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who
>was killed
>by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was
>attempting to
>tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year in reverse
>order are:
>
> 9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
>cheaply,
>because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline
>with milk.
>Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into
>the
>fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
>house
>down, killing both him and his sister.
>
> 8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his
>home died of
>suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall
>and
>weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black
>and
>white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
>trying to
>create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military
>gas mask
>that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in
>its
>place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a
>hollow tube
>approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was
>inserted into
>his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his
>suffocation.
> Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his
>death to his
>family very awkward.
>
> 7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
>altitude
>when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
>the
>occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft
>and
>crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
>around
>their ankles.
>
> 6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no
>details
>before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father
>was not
>breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the
>couch
>naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start
>CPR, she
>noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived
>and
>removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital -
>the
>police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the
>man had
>made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they
>discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a
>habit of
>putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and
>between two
>electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious
>reasons).
> According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted
>out one of
>the sanders, electrocuting him.
> >
> 5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a
>highway near
>Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger
>and
>killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
>qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
>driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring,
>which had
>started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt
>to press
>the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost
>her own.
>
> 4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead
>after he
>tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad
>trestle.
> Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped
>a bunch
>of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored
>the
>other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
>pavement.
>Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think
>Barcia was
>alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that
>he had
>assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
>ground"
>Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major
>trauma."
>
> 3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he
>and a
>friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
>ball.
> The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
>hospitalised.
>
> 2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed
>the smell
>of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building
>extinguishing all
>potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
>building had
>been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
>dispatched. Upon
>entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
>the
>dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses
>later
>described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his
>pocket and
>retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon
>operation of
>the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending
>pieces
>of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians,
>but the
>lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
>suspected
>of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his
>peers.
>
>
> AND THE WINNER.....
>
> 1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
>Sanchez
>tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf
>course.
> Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,
>Sanchez
>managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the
>machine.
>Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning
>the crank
>on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them
>solidly in
>the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of
>pain,
>collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
>
> Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more
>than a
>foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal
>stance, and
>the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open
>during
>the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained
>in the
>ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened
>as it was
>pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery
>inside.
>To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he
>had just
>purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself.
>Sanchez was
>rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were
>asked
>to leave the course.